Saturday, June 4, 2011

To be selfless.

Sometimes , when someone has been treating us nicely with all the unconditional love and care one can give , we start believing that we truly deserve it and that my lovelies is the biggest mistake . and I just committed this mistake with someone- a friend, lately. Trust me I feel bad enough to go dig a hole and just stay there for the rest of my life.
I was supposed to meet up with ,lets name that friend "Mr. x " , on one fine Friday. We had talked about meet up just a few days ago so I assumed "x" would remember it. Well, the morning of that fateful day came and went and slowly hot Karachi afternoon started creeping in yet there was just no sign of him. When I couldn't possibly hold back I texted x with all that air about myself .

The texting -

me : " You do not remember? or are you just too busy"

Mr.x : " I am positive that its not your birthday than what is it that I have forgotten? "

( yeah that was funny hehehe . shussh )

me: "never mind "

Mr. x : "now I would"

Boys and girls, this was it and I was fuming. yes , yes , I know, I should have just texted back and asked about meet up but NO i did not. that's me. I like to torture myself. err ya. clearly I thought x doesn't remember so no point in reminding him, whatsoever. Later at night I texted him, and that was quite a horrible and highly embarrassing text full of infuriation and rage.No , wait , it wasn't as bad as I did something the other day. So anyways, there was no reply from him. Next day , x texted me in the morning telling me he did not have credit in the phone to text back and had a bad headache since sometime due to which he also fell asleep early so it must have slipped out of his mind that we had to meet. I had become a bull by that time and he had just shown me the red cloth [ is there a specific name to that cloth which they show in the bull fight to the bull ? ] I still did not bother texting x back or calling him asking him how he is doing and what happened to him to have such a bad headache. I stayed zonked out the whole day , the whole night the next whole day and finally called him later in the night - twice , he didn't attend to my calls which just got me confused and at the same moment a meteor came and hit me right in the head to completely stupefy me - which resulted in a weird reaction from me . I just raved myself into a text. I did not stop to think for a minute that he might be sick or something must have happened. uh that text, it was a horrendous text. I am still so embarrassed over it , can not even imagine writing it down here. It was an immensely selfish and absurd act of mine. If it was me , as in me being " x " I would have just told the other person to f* off because he had actually fallen sick.Terribly sick. Oh Lord, when he called to tell me the next day what had happened with him , I just wanted to die , really. I felt a huge lump in my throat that travelled all the way to my heart and had a real hard time trying not to cry on the phone for all of a sudden I felt like such a small person. That was not me. How I had behaved , just thinking about myself , about me , me and me. I was so selfish that I am in a disbelief just thinking about it. The guilt in my heart was like a maggot eating a rotten apple.


I learned my lesson. I learned to be patient and to be calm for the other person , to be self less for a change and to think of the other person and not just brew thoughts about oneself . To give and not to expect - at least not a lot. Most important of all to give up my ego and to grow out of it.

(I am sorry once again, if you are reading this. I really am. )

1 comment:

  1. ohh dam. but its alryt sanz , we all do such things. good part u learnd frm ure mistake